Hot Issues,Trends,Discussions: A how-to for married sex

Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction.
A thrillingly naughty story line, say, or learning to talk dirty without sounding crass. Or how about creating a love-making sanctuary, complete with full-body kisses?
That's where Debra Macleod comes in, giving couples the green-light nudge that's sometimes needed to rediscover their sex lives.
The U.S.-based, Canadian-born Macleod is behind a series of seminars for women called Do Not Disturb (donotdisturbseminars.com), focusing on hot bedroom tips and strengthening bedroom bonds. The next ones are taking place in Calgary and Edmonton in August, followed by additional stops across Canada and the U.S.
What's interesting is how Macleod, who has a law degree, became interested in the spark and sizzle of bedroom play.
Newly married, the self-described career gal suddenly found herself pregnant.
"I wasn't going to have any," admits Macleod, who, after hearing the news, envisioned herself as a Diane Keaton type in the late '80s film, Baby Boom, juggling motherhood and corporate life like a seasoned pro.
Soon in, however, she realized this fantasy wasn't going to pan out so smoothly. At home with a baby, her life started looking a tad unfamiliar to her, and, perhaps, a little frumpy around the edges.
Suddenly she was watching bad daytime TV shows and, with her hubby busy with his own career, began experiencing small bouts of relationship paranoia.
"That's it, he's going to have an affair," she recalls thinking.
"TV makes you paranoid that if you're not in a negligee waiting for him to come home he's going to have an affair."
Seems this was just this kind of thinking she needed.
Macleod soon began writing erotic stories, which she'd share with her pleasantly surprised husband. That was about seven years ago, and since then the couple has jointly authored several sex and relationship books, and she's taken her research on the road.
"Women tell me, 'I am bored out of my tree, how can I make things more exciting?'" she says.
"What I've found is that they're generally pretty happy with the emotional connection, but they want better sex."
While Macleod offers fresh bedroom ideas, she also hopes participants will leave her seminars inspired to bump sex up higher on the priority list.
"When you first meet someone, 80% of your thoughts are about them and you just don't care about anything else," she says.
"Then things return to normal and you realize you have other things to do, like take care of the kids, do the report and fix the broken window."
To get back in the game, she suggests partners try a full-body kiss. The idea is that instead of using hands, you kiss different parts of your lover's body while applying varying degrees of pressure.
"A body kiss not only feels good for women, it stops her partner from just zeroing in on the genitals," she says.
Meanwhile, she also offers tips for seductive speech, more commonly known as dirty talk.
"Instead of focusing on a dirty word, think about what's actually happening and describe it," she advises.
"It isn't about forcing yourself to say gross words that aren't you."
Macleod, whose interviewed everyone from lap dancers, brothel workers and their clients, escorts and phone sex operators, says they all share a commonality beyond the sex -- escapism.
"A lot of these guys just want to walk in, close the door and have the sense of leaving everything behind," she observes.
"You know what? We need to do that in our own bedrooms. The bedroom has to be your sex-life sanctuary."
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Good vibrations
Beneficial to a woman's health
According to a U.S.-based study funded by Trojan, 53% of women ages 18-60 use a vibrator, which is not just great for achieving blissful Big Os, but also beneficial for boosting sexual health. The study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that women who cozy up with a vibrator not only achieve greater sexual joy but also have better sexual health maintenance, including a higher likelihood of undergoing gynecological exams.
Cheater or not?
A survey by DailyXY.com sheds some light on what men think constitutes infidelity.
2% Watching pornography
12% Flirting with a co-worker or friend
16% Going to a strip club on a regular basis
45% Cyber-sex (sexy online chat)
65% Getting an exotic massage
84% Making out
93% Receiving oral sex
99% Intercourse
No battery required
You may want to squawk at the study The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of Great Sex because of the rather small role the orgasm plays in the ingredient list of great sex, but the report does make a strong case for the power of emotional connection and intimacy when it comes to irresistible lovemaking.
If you thought edible cherry-flavoured lube, furry handcuffs and stretchy positions that would make an Olympic gymnast jealous held the secrets to optimal sex, think again.
Sure these goodies can make for a fun side dish, but a truly satisfying main course contains erotic intimacy, presence and connection, which is like adding just the right amount of zesty cajun spice to an otherwise average chicken dish.
Contrary to popular belief, stellar bedroom skills and terrific orgasms doesn't mean that sex is fulfilling and memorable.
What does? Communication, empathy, being uninhibited, present, in-sync and showing a willingness for sexual exploration, found the five-year study published last month in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality.

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