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Christmas: 'Tis the season for married sex
Gigi at Mumsrock has written in about what she sees as the most important thing to give this Yuletide season. Wrapping optional.
What I find interesting is that this mirrors what I was told by a woman who works with a charity that benefits working class women with families. "It's a totally different mindset," she said, referring to sex within marriage for her clients. She described being mystified by middle-class women who talk about their sex drive evaporating after kids arrive. "These women I work with see it as something you just do," she explains. Friday night, the husband gets home and wants to relax, have a drink, eat his favourite food and, basically, get a leg over. "They say, 'Hey, it keeps him happy and usually once we've started I enjoy it too'."
Read what Gigi has to say about it and tell us what you think.
With the touchpaper that is Christmas looming ever nearer, the prospect of tidings of comfort and joy between you and your partner seems less and less likely. From fall-outs over who is doing all the work (it’s not you, it’s me), why you have no wish to negotiate up from spending 3 days with the in-laws, and why you don’t like tinsel on your tree (it’s tacky - everyone thinks so), your relationship may be heading into dangerous territory. So why not avoid a meltdown around the tree this year by exercising your conjugal rights (but not by the tree - it will upset the kids).
I was discussing sex in long-term relationships with a friend the other day. Like you do. And, marriage my friend argued, was a contract, and as part of that contract, a husband and wife promise to love, honour (or not) and obey each other, which includes, according to my friend, having sex. ‘Sex’ she told me, was a ‘contractual obligation’ that’s why it’s called a conjugal right (not a privilege).
Now this friend is a modern woman, she’s strong, she’s independent. She’s certainly no Betty Draper, but this was her thing. If you want to have a good relationship - treat sex like a contractual obligation. Like paying the congestion charge, or not smoking in front of your best friend's newborn.
And mulling over and over this one, I came to the conclusion that my friend, let’s call her, Pandora, might just be right.
Let’s look at the evidence: it’s late, you are tired - the kids have been giving you hell all day long, your legs need a wax, you’ve eaten your weight in carbonara, and your hair smells. Cue partner/husband/wife/whatever... uttering that immortal line... fancy a quickie?’ You try to control your outrage. Can’t he or she tell it’s gone 10pm on a school night? And so you mutter something about ‘not being in the mood’ while you reach for your bedtime reading. Which has probably got some perfectly nice sex scenes in, but won’t leave lying on a damp patch when you put it down.
Of course conjugal rights aren’t always a good idea. That goes without saying. Almost. Some women (and men) need protection from a contract they may have been forced into. And what about partners that have perhaps been misled into a marriage contract. What about Debbie McGee?
Sex allows couples to pay attention to each other. Even if it’s only for...oh I don’t know...a coupla minutes. You’ve got to focus. And in those precious few minutes the fact that he (or she) always leaves buying the Xmas tree to the last minute, never does the wrapping (oh but you’re sooo much better at it) and then buys you something crap from Next. Well, it matters a little less.
And so my friend and I realised in a predictably missionary-positioned ephiphany - that if we could somehow remember that sex was a lot more fun than it sounds...and is actually more entertaining than a new episode of Spooks. Then we wouldn’t spend all year behaving like bitter little hamsters sprinting round the circular negative reinforcements in our couples-behaviour, and we’d actually be really nice to each other.
And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
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